Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Rachel's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
11:49 am	I've been to hell and I'm not back yet but I can see the light up ahead and I know these words ring true. Every little thing's gonna be alright... Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Marley (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
3:16 pm	My dreads are gone! it's awesome and horrible all at once. the best part about it, though, is that it's a really big test to see who really knows me. i've had so much fun walking by people i've known for months, years even, who don't even recognize me. i really like cotton candy. if you think that a kiss is all in the lips cmon you've got it all wrong man. Current Mood: okay Current Music: white stripes the denial twist (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 26th, 2005
2:56 pm	I have been hesitating to update because I feel that in some way that would be an admission that Brian's death had slipped from the forefront of my mind and that I had moved on. It was sort of like when they painted over Beta Bridge (this is a place that gets repainted probably once a day, groups and students advertise and leave messages and stuff. A group of people had painted "We Love B. Love" and that had remained for a couple weeks, but it too had to be painted over, because time moves on I suppose). The truth is that I thought I had gotten over the worst of my grief and had gotten to a very comfortable place with the whole event. Then I came to understand that I had some dormant emotions that I hadn't been addressing. But now that I recognize them, I've been dealing with them. What's really crazy is that whenever I get anxious about how he's doing, iTunes randomly plays a song about everything being alright. Anyway. What was really amazing was how supportive everyone was. I just wanted to thank all of you for the love and concern and offers to hang out and talk. I was completely overwhelmed and couldn't always reach back and take you up on offers, but I was so comforted to know that I could if I needed to turn somewhere. I went out to California for four days for the funeral and to hang out with his friends from high school. Meeting people he had been close to... his family, ex-girlfriends, his four closest friends from high school, and getting to know his UVA friends, it was all such an incredible experience. What a gift he gave us, pulling us all together. And it didn't rain... Carmel is goooorgeous. I was so happy for the duration of the whole experience because I felt Brian there (especially when I went skinny dipping at Pfiefer Beach which is in his favorite film Baraka. We had watched that movie together and then when I went out to CA over break we went to that beach and he was making sure that I recognized it and everything.) and knew somehow that he was doing well. This attitude made it possible to really help his Dad, and he called out to me as he gave his eulogy because I had promised him a smile if he started to break down. It worked. I think I have much more of a "let's do this cause it will be fun" mentality instead of worrying about the consequences. It's helping me experience the best of it all. Things have been busy, to the panic attack point sometimes, but I realized that I'm really happy. I am surrounded by such beautiful beautiful people and all I have to do is see it and interact with it. I have felt frazzled because every aspect of my life is demanding my attention and I just can't do it. But I think once I get to spring break I'll be able to sort through and prioritize and get back to myself. My mom's cousin has a boat that she and her husband have been living on for the last four or five months. We're meeting her at St. Thomas Island in the Caribbean and island hopping for a week, staying sometimes on her boat and sometimes in little places on the islands. It's going to be so exciting. So all in all, a little bit stressed, very contemplative, quite open to any and every experience you'll throw at me, and deeply content. Current Mood: curious Current Music: Dishwalla Counting Blue Cars (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
1:01 pm	I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad: the dreams where I am dying are the best I've ever had. Sookie: You know what I think when I'm this close to another body? I think one day at one moment... this body that I'm holding in my arms will stop breathing... stop living. Just... stop. One day you'll happen upon my name in the obits and you'll remember this moment when we were so close. (from Igby goes down) It's hard to change something supernatural Brian Love 3 October 1982 - 1 February 2005 Current Mood: paralyzed Current Music: Loose Fur-"Chinese Apple", Gary Jules-"Mad World", Four Tet (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 14th, 2005
3:17 am	Hoo runs naked through torrential downpours diving in puddles that stretch across half the Lawn?? after filming for Twenty Hours?! Helllz yeah. So I'm back in Charlottesville shooting Sticks and Stones, a period piece about a slave at UVA. It's Konstantin's movie, which is why I've found myself on crew of another film. After the last film I had decided, "it's not for me I'm a still photographer and that's that." But this is greaaat. I'm doing some still photography for publicity and behind the scenes stuff, as well as some continuity checks. The best thing -hands down- about these shoots is the people. Loving, hipster people with stamina like you wouldn't believe. 6:30 AM 13 Jan to 2:30 AM 14 Jan. I'm in love with the world again, and rain feels so good. Also, Lin is my personal hero (so much respect). But my roof is leaking. Whatever. Back at it tomorrow. Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Outkast Hey Ya (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 3rd, 2005
12:05 am	I spent New Years in a hotel room in San Francisco with five people getting drunk. We played kings where drawing a five meant you had to remove an article of clothing and drawing an eight meant everyone had to remove an article of clothing. I was naked rather quickly. That's the first time I've ever actually acted on my urge to strip when drunk. That's also the first time I've been naked in front of multiple people with lights on (I've skinny dipped twice, so that included multiple people but not lights). Siigh. I'm frustrated with myself because I perpetuate this notion that I am a sex animal and I think I present myself in a way that makes me seem less valuable than I am. It's true that sex is interesting to me and I tend to think along sexual lines. But I have found that I can get attention if I bring it up a lot, dance seductively, or perk up when people talk about sex, nakedness, or act in a homoerotic way. I guess this is human: trying to get attention, but it disgusts me. It indicates insecurity and I hate acknowledging that I am insecure. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: The Faint Worked Up So Sexual (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 6th, 2004
9:44 pm	This is nuts, today I almost threw up when I was thinking about all the shit I had to do, and last night my best guy friend was on the phone with his mother - crying - because he was so stressed out. I know that when I'm seventy years old, hell, even twenty-four, I'll realize that this was all needless worry. None of this matters in the grande scheme of things, but it's so difficult to take a step back and put things in perspective when your whole life becomes consumed. I guess it's a blessing that I don't have bigger worries, or maybe it's a blessing that I have the innate ability to block those from my consciousness so they only affect my dreams. ...... and they're off. Current Mood: stressed out of my mind Current Music: none (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
7:48 pm	Everything I need is Right here in my hands.             stars are love brought to you by the isLove Generator I did this a second time and got an equally fitting response. crazy.             under the bridge is love brought to you by the isLove Generator eggshapedaffair: rachel, i thought you should know. the islove generator just takes one of your interests from your livejournal user info. it's a good trick, and i know sometimes the truth hurts, but i didnt want you to turn all mystic on me or something. <3 talk to you tomorrow oh. haha. Current Mood: still fine. Current Music: Melissa Ferrick Everything I need (Acoustic style) (Comment on this)
7:24 pm	Science and Spirituality, all in one Entry I was writing this really interesting paper on sickness and memory for neuroscience on Monday night. When you get sick your immune system causes cells in your brain to start expressing these proinflammatory cytokines which temporarily inflame your brain. (Whoa). Among other things this inflammation induces prolongued periods of slow wave sleep (deeep sleeep), which is of course a good thing for your body to give it a chance to fight the infection and heal. Whether it's a side effect or no, learning and memory is often impaired because cells in the hippocampus (the site for spatial memory consolidation) are affected by this inflammation. I stayed up till 2:45 writing the paper, and I still had a little more to write, but I needed some sleep. I was coming down with something. I had to get up at 4:45 for my 5:15 bus driving shift the next morning, and I knew it would be tough so I meticulously set my alarm, making sure it was AM (not PM, how many times have I done that??) and loud. Sometimes when I know I only have a little bit of time to sleep I get nervous and can't fall asleep, but I REALLY wanted to suck the marrow out of the time I did have and get some really good rest. I said a prayer that I would fall asleep immediately and I did. At 7:50 I woke up and looked at the clock and flipped the fuck out. Perhaps my brain was inflammed (weird) and I had been in SWS while the alarm went off for an hour from 4:45 to 5:45. DNSing (Did not show) is a REALLY bad thing to do in bus world, and when they were going over that during training I vowed that I would never do it. I wondered why my phone hadn't rung because they call you if you are late for your shift and two weeks before that's how they had awakened me (5:15s are tough). So I went and found my phone and realized that the battery had died the night before and I hadn't realized it so it had been off all night. Everything was stacked against me driving my shift, so I knew that there must have been a reason for it. And I concluded that I probably would have been a very dangerous driver out there, being tired and stressed out, and what if those amazing forces that look out for me from (well where are they? I don't know if there is a physical location, like "above" or anything) were preventing a really terrible happening like me running a 13 ton vehicle into a car or something. Nuts. I really like thinking about stuff like that, sort of the Sliding Doors idea that total turns in life depend on little things like missing your alarm. Well I used to burn candles at both ends, now I just throw the whole damn thing right in. Current Mood: fine Current Music: The Wallflowers Feels Like Summer (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
1:47 pm	Some Pictures from Fall Break Current Mood: pleased Current Music: Thea Gilmore (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 25th, 2004
6:22 pm	Thanks to Michael for the picture! So tonight I was sitting at the Library bus stop staring at the moon which was out tonight for the first time since like... the 15th of October. I was truly excited that it was there because I am supposed to be observing it for my archaeoastronomy class (which has four vowels in a row, how cool is that?), but more than that I just like the moon and am glad it's in my life. In my head, the first part of a Lauryn Hill song was playing on repeat "Come on now baby come on now baby come on" and I thought "it would be really cool if I saw Brian RIGHT now." And then poof, there he was, right on cue, flying past on his bike across the street. It didn't register that it was him until he had hopped the curb and was headed past the Chapel, so I wasn't able to brag about my genius psychic abilities (until now). I have geeenius psychic capabalities. Remember when I was telling you about that engraving of Madame Récamier that is haunted, and how that was scary? I take it back, it's cool. I have become quite interested in Mme Récamier, and we just happen to be studying her period of history in my French history class right now. And on top of that we have to write a paper about this period. So I asked my professor if I could write about Mme Récamier and she said I needed to find a document by or about her so that I could analyze it. So I did some research and found that Madame Récamier wrote lots of letters, especially to her best friend Madame de Staël. So I did some more research and found that our very own Alderman Library (the one outside of which I was sitting when Brian biked past) had books by a guy who had compiled many of these letters. I copied down their Dewey Decimal addresses and then today went and found them. I picked one out that was alll in French and very old, and it turns out I am the first one to check it out since they installed their little bar code method of scanning books out. I feel like I've found a TREASURE!! I cannot WAIT to write this paper. And speaking of being excited about writing papers, I have to write a Neuro paper about sodium appetite in rats and last night I was stressing out about it sooo much. But today I got really really into it and even though I may have to stay up all night to write it, I am motivated and excited about it. I'm wondering if the coffee I had caused this elevation in mood? Whatever the case, I'm thankful. Last night was the pits. I have been feeling as if I've been neglecting my friends recently simply because I am so busy these days. And most of the friends I feel as if I have been neglecting are my LiveJournal friends, so I'm sorry guys. As soon as my phone is up and running again (I have to turn the service back on, I FOUND it how exciting is THAT?!? I thought I was going to have to spend 200 dollars but I don't because I FOUND it hahaha!!) I will give you a call. Love!! Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: Lauryn Hill Superstar (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 22nd, 2004
6:37 pm	19 Oct. Dear Rachel, A chat with your Mom this morning told of your lost cell phone. Here are some ideas-- 1. look in ALL pockets, boots, closet floor, bedding, bags. 2. post "LOST with reward" signs in every class room, bus, dining, shopping places - on and off campus. Be sure to check with roommates to see if you can use their cell phone number on the signs. 3. I think you will find the phone! 4. I love you -- Gram (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 29th, 2004
11:57 am	Letters to the Gap Dear Madam or Sir: On the 18th of July I passed a Gap Outlet display window in Leesburg Corner Premium Outlets, Leesburg Virginia. Several items of yours caught my eye, namely the plain white T-shirts with the words "Long and Lean" and "Boot Fit." I decided on the spot that I would enjoy owning such an article of clothing and would be willing to pay a reasonable sum to obtain one. I entered the store and asked a sales associate where these shirts were located. She informed me that they were not for sale, that customers posed similar inquiries each year, but that they were not available for popular consumption. And so, exiting the store an unhappy and dissatisfied customer, I resolved to take this to the next level. It is obvious that your company manufactures these shirts, so I find it silly that you do not sell them as well. "Long and Lean" and "Boot Fit" are signature Gap style jeans, the names of which the public recognizes. Any individual wearing these shirts would provide your company with free advertising. As a former Gap Inc. employee (I worked at Old Navy Outlet) and a frequent customer at all three of your branches, I have a lot invested in your company. It is for this reason that I would wear one of these T-shirts with pride. What a pity to lose such a valuable customer and all her future children—costing you hundreds or even thousands of dollars—over an item as seemingly insignificant as a white T-shirt. I know you need only pull one shirt (size small, please, and you may surprise me as to which shirt: "Long and Lean" or "Boot Fit") from your display stock to make me a very happy consumer. I will be willing to pay a reasonable amount for this product, of course. Please contact me and notify me what price you will charge. Thank you for your attention to this matter, Rachel Duffié xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox Dear Ms. Duffié: Thank you for taking the time to contact us and for sharing your frustration regarding our Gap T-shirts being displayed for promotional purposes. We try to create promotions and sales that are exciting, and we regret both disappointing and inconveniencing you. We want every customer to have a positive experience shopping with Gap and we truly value your business. We have forwarded your feedback onto our marketing department for use in upcoming campaigns. For your time and feedback, enclosed is a Gap Appreciation Card that you can use as an invitation to shop with us again. The card has a value of $20, and can be used at any Gap or Gap Outlet store and never expires. Please refer to the back of the card for further card use. We appreciate your continued loyalty to Gap. Sincerely, Amy Whetsell Specialist Gap Inc. Customer Relations Current Mood: excited Current Music: Déanta "The Maid that Sold her Barley" (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
4:32 pm	Last weekend was the best weekend I've had since the weekend I had that party at my house. Which means it was an amaazing weekend. I spent it with Emily and Michael and we went to my fourth Citizen Cope concert. He is finally getting the recognition and love that he deserves; I am so excited for him. This was also the first concert I've seen of his where he has not been stoned out of his mind, which also makes me happy, because that says to me that he is taking his performances seriously. He has such a lovely soul, it's nice. I was ridiculously hungry the entire weekend so food was a central part of my experience. I ate at these restaurants: Ben's Chili Bowl, McDonald's, Michael's apartment (waaaaaffles!), something something Inn, which was a crab place, and IHOP. I really liked the fact that we decided we wanted crabs so we up and drove to Annapolis. I tried on one of those Rasta hats with fake dreads at Hats in the Belfry and got a kick out of that. I partied hard at UMD on Saturday night with Leeny and Shanti and Amalia, and of course Emily and Michael. It was excellent. I felt attractive. I also told the fountain at UMD what I thought of it. I slept on Michael's heartbeat. Then I woke up and told the people at IHOP that my name was Andrews, party of three, even though it wasn't. Then Emily nearly blinded herself with her compact mirror because she kept reflecting the sun's light into her eye. Then I drove home stopping at a fresh produce stand for four dollars and fifty cents worth of vegetables and fruits. Then I walked in my door and devoured many of the cookies that Annie had just baked. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Winning a Battle, Losing the War by Kings of Convenience (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
2:22 pm	I Disappear Yesterday I woke up at 4:30 AM to drive my 5:15 block which went without a hitch for ONCE! Well, except that I had to pee sooo badly by the end, because I had been holding it for an hour and a half. But that just made the actual peeing experience amazing when I finally got to it. That feeling is probably equally as wonderful as sneezing, which is my other favorite feeling as well as the namesake for my username. Did you know that? Two weird sensations - I seem to be on a sensation kick here - happen when you get back in your truck after driving a bus. The first is that when you want to put your turn signal on, you reach with your left foot to do it because that's how you do it in a bus. The second is the overwhelming urge to stop at bus stops with people so that you can pick them up. I went to French class, then bought some CD-Rs and a Roots ticket. Then I went to lab where I dissected a sheep brain. Sheep brains are so much smaller then you think they should be. I wish brain parts were color coded like in the text books. I don't know how I will remember all that anatomy. Then I heated up some frozen soup on the stovetop which is easier said than done, for certain. I read some biology, then I got a boy naked. I just figured out how to open my hood. It was crazy complicated mainly because I couldn't find the latch under the hood. After I checked the oil and realized that lack of oil wasn't the cause of my mileage problems, I could not close my hood. So I knocked on the apartment door downstairs and met Luke the mechanic who had just come home and was willing to help me put it back in place. Now I need to select what sort of cake to bake and go buy some ingredients for it. Rock n' Roll. (Right?) Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: The Faint I Disappear (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
6:29 pm	My Cuticles hurt because I've been nipping at them for the past three hours A while ago I had a nightmare about driving the bus where Juwahn, one of the full-time bus drivers, was supposed to be driving with me, but he left. It was the first day of classes, and it was raining and sleeting and snowing (despite being the first day of September in Virginia...) and my bus was PACKED. When I got to my stop, I didn't know where the DD3 (parking brake) was, and so I couldn't let people off because my bus kept rolling backward. It was the most stressful dream EVER, because a bus FULL of people was late to its first day of class, and it was ALL my fault. Well today wasn't the first day of classes, and it was hot as hell, not snowing, and I knew were the DD3 was, but I guess I didn't know where the curb was, 'cause I curbed it twice giving my rear passengers a particularly jarring experience...My bus WAS packed, and I wasn't 100% sure I knew all the turns to make for the blue/orange route (from start to finish, one loop of it takes two hours, so it's a pretty long and windy trip across grounds and Charlottesville). I missed a couple stops and had to let passengers off in unsafe places farther past their desired point of exit (I overheard one passenger tell another "she's in training" but the truth is, I'm absolutely on my own on Friday, no more practice in between). And Juwahn kept TRYING to get off and go home because he thought I "knew what I was doing." I kept flying into fits of hysterical "YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME"s and nearly bursting into tears, and so he stayed on... probably because he found it amusing and wanted to irk me again. But we were waaaay off schedule the whooole time because traffic was heavier than five elephants at the center of the Earth. A lot of first years were really cute though, both endearing and attractive, and some of them were all cheery with their "How's your day going?"s and "Thanks!!"s. And one sweet looking professor told me I had done a great job. I hope she teaches me this semester. Classes start tomorrow. OK, I need to go blast away the knot in my back with a jet of hot water from the showerhead. Current Mood: stressed Current Music: Zero 7 "Destiny" (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 27th, 2004
11:07 am	sneexish: i worked REALLY hard not to cry in front of him Current Mood: sad Current Music: 311 Beautiful Disaster (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 15th, 2004
9:58 pm	So I was ridiculously poor riding a pink and purple bicycle which was entirely too small for me. I was trying to get to class in a foreign country, it was either Mexico or Taiwan. It was strange that I was riding so well because I honestly do not, in real life, know how to ride a bike. I was lost, confused, and crossing a street when my brakes gave out and the front half of my bike broke off. I nearly collided with a car. I was really pissed and I walked the bike a really long way to my shifty and rundown apartment. I was met by my my long haired, semi-toothed, and rather smelly landlord who had some issue to discuss, but I managed to scoot past him to my building where there were naked kids running around, and air conditioners were dripping incessantly. I got up to my place where I started yelling at Dan and Michael that we needed a new bicycle (this was our only mode of transportation), and they took it and began working on it to see if they could fix it themselves. Gross and sticky, I collapsed on a chair whose stuffing was pouring out and I started a conversation with Emily, who had been tending the children (??). The general mood: frustration, desperation. Two nights earlier I had attended a Navy awards ceremony which was held in the water. Recipients were all treading water in a square formation, and they raised their hands for recognition when awarded a prize. I was with Annie and Sophie and some others and we were watching the ceremony from 40 feet under the water. I remember wondering why I found it so easy to breathe and figured I must be hooked up to some sort of breathing apparatus. For the life of me, however, I could not locate the thing. When the ceremony was over we all rushed to communal showers where I managed to sneak into my own private stall due to my "beat the crowds" mentality. I was taking my time, however, because I didn't want to get my dreadlocks wet, and I was evicted by a swarm of people who thought they should shower in that stall. I grabbed a towel and walked out, but I had forgotten my badge, and the security guard wouldn't let me through even though I knew he recognized me. The general mood: angst and frustration. Current Mood: hungover Current Music: O Brother Where Art Thou Soundtrack (18 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 11th, 2004
12:38 am	Madame Récamier is artistically portrayed in a print on the wall in my living room. She's reclining in a chair, the style of which is nearly matched in the piece of furniture directly below her. Her position is one of active involvement in the conversation that must have been happening while the artist drew her portrait. To accentuate her features, we have installed a painting light which turns on and off by remote control. We obtained Madame Récamier from an antique dealer in Paris. It was a small little shop: not much natural light and severely overcrowded. We spent beaucoup bucks to have her shipped to the States, for my mother simply had to have her. Madame Récamier scares me. She turns on, the light I mean, without human intervention. You will be sitting there watching TV and suddenly your eyes note a change in your periphery and there, voila, the light is on and Madame Récamier is illuminated. She must be a socialite because she especially enjoys turning herself on when company is due to come. On Sunday night, for example, my mother went to turn on the lamp in the living room because my aunt and cousins were coming over. The lamp bulb died with a flash of light and my mom screwed in another light bulb (it only took one of her, in case you care to know). I was watching her as she was doing that, and randomly Madame Récamier's light came on, about 15 feet from my mom and about 8 feet from me. The remote control was in a glass dish across the room, in no one's hands. She just doesn't remind me of Casper, is all. Current Mood: restless Current Music: Akua Tuta (Native American) (Comment on this)
Friday, July 30th, 2004
11:38 am	I saw a man yesterday in a suit standing at the edge of a bridge that goes over a stream. He was mourning someone who had died there. I wanted to go and slip my hand in his hand and say, don't worry, she's in heaven. He was oblivious to everything around him. Yesterday I met David Alan Harvey. He's a National Geographic Photographer. You can see his work here. I bought his book on Cuba, which is beautiful, and he signed it for me. I passed him today in the exact same spot in the courtyard on two different occassions. He shook my hand the second time and asked me how I did it. The truth is obvious: I'm stalking him. In other news, my hair continues to grow. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Citizen Cope Nite Becomes Day (1 Comment |Comment on this)